As someone who loves color and long days, March has always felt like the perfect birthday month for me--a month associated with rainbows and containing the vernal equinox. I feel so grateful I made my way into this world only hours before the final day of the first quarter ended, because, try as I may, I just cannot picture myself with an April birthday.
Yesterday I turned 25. It all feels a little bizarre, if I'm being honest. I distinctly remember walking the short commute home from Mrs. Manning's second grade classroom one day, eager to burst through the front door and tend to my beloved baby doll (which I had an unbreakable bond with), and stopping in my tracks when the thought "Someday I'll be a teenager, and I won't be able to play with dolls any more." came to me. With that concept plaguing my mind for the rest of that day, and frequently returning for many years to follow, I struggled to find the joy that came from being a kid, as I dreaded the fact that it would have to end one day. Unlike most people my age, I had little desire to grow up. In so many ways I am still that same little girl, although my teeth no longer gap and my knees haven't seen a scab in years, I still find myself desperately trying to conserve time as much as I possibly can. Like nearly everyone who came before me in this life, I have failed in my attempt to avoid the inevitable process of aging.
Though I am a firm believer that life should be enjoyed, I do struggle with not finding satisfaction in the present because I am too anxious about the future. I think this trait has done me some good by leading me to photography, which is the hobby I treasure most, as it allows me to capture moments and memories that could otherwise not have been preserved. But the same nagging voice in my head that reminds me to take more pictures and find joy in each day, also tries to convince me that everything must be as perfect as possible, and the smallest mishap can ruin things for good. So, I have decided to make my 26th year count by embracing the things that I cannot control by not deleting every ill-timed or poorly lit photograph on my camera roll, and treasuring the moments that don't go as planned. Recognizing the beauty in imperfections is something I think we all struggle with in one form or another, but I have set the goal to correct this way of thinking in myself--starting with this blog post. The bottom of this post is filled with pictures of my birthday which do not all pass my strict aesthetic test (all of which are iPhone photos...it is rare that I post something taken with a phone camera...trying to branch out of my comfort zone) I hope to make my life count by not constantly worrying about what might come tomorrow or what could have gone better today. I intend to find joy in the journey I am so fortunate to have. Here's to 25 and to living and loving the present!
